Her Daughter’s View

Well, it has been about 6 months since my last post. Because of that, you can probably imagine it has been busy. Between lots and lots of baking orders (yay!), through the holidays (a story for another time), to some quiet times where I didn’t think I had anything to write about, all of which have brought me to today. A couple of weeks in to 2024, and I feel like I have gotten some clarity and am ready to jump back on the horse.

I figured it would be fitting to start with one of my most recent revelations. As I said above, we are a couple of weeks into 2024, which like any other year, is just a fact. Typically, I don’t pay much attention to the new year aside from having to remember to write “2024” on things. This year felt different. At some point a couple weeks ago, around the beginning of the new year, I had realized that I would be starting a year without my Mom. We are officially in a calendar year, that my Mom has never seen. Though I have lived most of 2023 without her, because she died in February, there was something heavy about “leaving” her in 2023, and starting a whole new year without her.

I have grieved in the past, none as hard as this, but I have been through more mild forms, and never really thought about this. But I surprised myself, and had an extremely hard time with that. In a sense, it felt like I was losing ANOTHER piece of her. How is this possible? How do I not have a Mom anymore? Close to a year later, and I still can’t even believe it. Life moves on whether I am ready for it to or not, I just wish it would slow down a little, because as time moves on, little by little, I am losing more and more of what I have left of her.

I requested off of work for her angel-versary this year. I am not sure how I will feel, but I want to be able to feel whatever it is, in the comfort of my own home. Wow, a whole year without her, who would have thought. I am extremely proud of myself for making it this far, but I am also just exhausted. Mentally, and somehow also physically. Grief has taken a toll on me in a way I can’t explain. I am so tired of my heart hurting, that it actually makes me physically hurt. I have heard from other women that have been through losing their mother, that the “2nd’s” without your Mom somehow are worse that the “1st’s,” so I am anticipating this year not getting much easier, but I think I am ready. I am strong, and I am proud of myself, and I am so incredibly grateful that God gave me as much time with her as He did, and I will make it through, I just wish I didn’t have to.